5 Fad Diets That Will Never Be Real

The Syrup diet; welcome to sweet, sweet, syrupy heaven.

With a huge variety of foods to choose from, this diet is the best chance for turning your frown upside down. Unlike some diets that claim ‘sugar is bad’, this one is all you can eat sugar, in delicious syrup form!

Each week we’ll send you a box containing your syrups for the week, properly labelled ‘breakfast, lunch, or dinner’ to make this a no-hassle diet. You’ll be delivered syrups like: agave syrup, high fructose corn syrup, delicious maple syrup, glucose syrup, and very own proprietary brand called sugropomespose; a unique and tasty blend of cane juice, pomegranate, espresso, and glucose. The Syrup diet is sure to set your mornings on fire as you take on the day invigorated and full of energy. Take that Mondays!

Sample Meal:
1 cup agave syrup, warmed, then 1 tbsp espresso added. Sprinkle brown sugar on top, and enjoy!
The full-body shaking will subside after a few weeks. 

* Not recommended for diabetics or people not looking to become diabetic.

The flavors in the Stone Soup diet make it a favorite among the Crayfish people of Muffletown.

Simply start a soup with filtered water, then add celery, carrots, potato, pepper, seasoning salt, and some vegetable or chicken stock, or other preferred flavor. After an hour on the stove at low heat, add a medium rock. Select a rock with many ridges and moss to enhance the flavor. Your rock should be at least 3-4 inches in diameter. Let the rock cook with the soup for at least 24 hours, on low heat. When the soup is done, you simply remove the rock and discard the soup. The rock will have a wonderful taste to it. Breakfast is two licks of the rock, lunch is three, and dinner is one. Between meals, refrigerate rock. Enjoy!

Sample Meal:
Two licks of rock, previously soaked in beef stew. To enhance flavor, hold rock over an open flame and play AC/DC’s ‘For Those About to Rock’ . 

If you love the smell of freshly baked bread but eating fourteen loafs in a single sitting puts too many calories on your hips, the Aroma-Cuisine diet is the one for you!

This zero calorie diet lets you consume all the delicious, mouth-watering, sweet and savory confections you desire without adding a single inch on your waste-line; via your handy olfactory system. This diet doesn’t make you worry about the small annoyances usually associated with dieting like counting calories, portion control, or healthy eating; instead you simply cook up all the food you desire, and smell to your hearts content. All the food, with none of the calories. With the Aroma-Cuisine Diet you can have your cake and smell it too!

Sample Meal:
New York Cheesecake drizzled with cinnamon raspberry sauce and adorned with small chocolate curls. Smell until satisfied or until food begins to turn, then discard. But don’t forget to Instagram the meal first! 

* Not recommended for anyone with any X or Y chromosomes

Let’s get rid of the middle man; in this case, food!

The Elemental diet is a weekly subscription based diet where you’ll be sent a wide assortment of all the raw elements your body needs to function at optimal levels. You’ll receive Carbon, Hydrogen, Nitrogen, Oxygen, Iron, Potassium, and many more! Simply administer them to yourself via injection based on the handy chart you’re given with your Elemental Diet plan super kit. No more need for messy meals or spill-able drinks; this diet is the ultimate in convenience. Try it today!

Sample Meal:
C₆H₁₂O₆ and H₂O
Delicious!

Note: Administering incorrect dosages may result in genetic mutation or death.
Elemental Diet costs $950/week, additional charges may apply.

The Waffle Iron diet turns everything you eat into a delightful treat.

The methodology behind this diet is extremely scientific; healthy things are gross, but when you shove them in a waffle iron, take them out and smother them in icing sugar, they become delicious and fun! Take, for example, a salad with kale, celery, and avocado. Packed with nutrients, but lacking the sweet waffley flavor you want. First, we take all three foods and smush them together into ball. Flatten out that ball, then portion it out into waffle-iron sized clumps. Place in waffle iron for 2-3 minutes, then voila! Crispy, singy veggies. Add 4 tbsp of icing sugar, and your healthy waffle is ready to eat! This diet plan is packed with nutritious foods that you can use to make beautiful waffley creations morning, noon, and night!

Sample Meal:
Banana, oatmeal, apple, cinnamon, prunes; smushed and waffle-ironed. Sprinkle with icing sugar and enjoy!
For best results, add 1 egg, 1/4 cup oil and 1/2 cup of flour to each food ball prior to waffleing

SOURCES

Sarah Soper. The Things I Dream About Are Donuts.
The Shire: Aspiring to be Real Publishing, 1867. Print.

www.imadeallofthisupandnothingisreal.co.uk

DISCLAIMER

The contents of this article are for hilarious purposes only and should not be considered any type of reasonable human advice. The information provided in this article should not be used for diagnosing or treating a health condition as it is all made up bulls***, and should not be substituted for professional care. Seriously. If you suspect or have a medical condition, consult an appropriate health care provider and do not follow any of the totally fake diets listed above. You will probably die.